For decades, the question "what do you want to do with your life" has loomed over my head like a baby devil chickling growing heavier and more vicious by the year. It's nice to finally have an answer to that question now, even if it doesn't quite follow the expected "rules" for a valid career path...
A Consistency Struggle
You all know I am not so great with keeping to a schedule, right? No? You will. Probably. I suppose things may have changed since I finally found a sense of tranquility with my path in life, but it may be a bit naïve to depend on that. Nearly every habit I've ever had seems to fall to the wayside at some point or another; so it's probably best we all just accept the inevitable "falling off the wagon" that's gonna happen. With the blog, the YouTube channel, with every aspect of Awdvocato- dependability is sus for the near future.
But maybe it doesn't have to be that way forever. My partner helped me see things in a very different light, yet one I sort of already knew (and I bet you do, too). Lately, salads have become their go-to meal at least once a day, really pushing this idea for a healthier lifestyle one leaf at a time. It's not really a huge change for most people, but most veggies send my partner into a gagging convulsion. I'm not joking, and it's definitely not an act- seen it one too many times (or else it's a REALLY committed bit!) to dismiss. Nevertheless, lettuce is benign enough to pass through relatively easily. It started with one bag of pre-mixed salad, most of which got thrown away as not making the cut (wilted, browning, spinach, etc.) but one salad in the week was huge! Fast forward to now, about a month later, and it's up to just under one salad a DAY. Jeez! Who knew?
Now, I know that's not a lot either in amount or duration, but it's a lot in relation to their diet in the last five years. When I got down about my own inconsistent habits, this was my partner's advice (that was also the basis for working up to a salad a day habit):
Just start over again.
Fucking brilliant. As simple and obvious as it sounds, that's how it works. When I asked what happens when I fail again, the words just repeated in an endless series of starts and tries that lead inevitably wherever I'm trying to go. Can't stay consistent on YouTube? Just start over again. Not consistent in telling others what you want? Just start over again. Keep setting that book aside year after year and never finishing it? Just start again. And again, and again, and again...
Until you don't have to start again anymore, because it stuck or you finished.
But starting over again is hard. Carrying all the baggage from the past tries makes continuing forward so cumbersome and difficult, it's tempting to just say to hell with it and give up...
Asking Why Until You Die
Ok, that sounds more morbid than it actually is. I think. Maybe it IS pretty morbid, though. I have trouble determining morbidity, so if it has to do with death at all I assume it's more morbid than I think.
Try to follow me through this anyway, though, because it leads to a greener place than it started. Promise!!
The "professionals" all say you need a good "why" to motivate yourself properly. Some also say the best way to do this is to truly imagine your funeral, and what you want people to say about you once you're gone. So I asked myself 'how do I want to be remembered?' I tried a bunch of different paths on, and one by one I threw them away- they just didn't fit. I didn't want to be remembered as a YouTuber, a quaint mother very few knew, or even a famous author (which had been the most serious of my childhood dreams). No, when I really leaned into it, what I wanted to be remembered as... was someone that was kind, and helped them in some major way.
I don't even want a Bill Gates kind of legacy, either, because that's so detached and impersonal. I want these people to be personally affected by something I said directly rather than something I paid for or organized. At the end of the day, I want people to remember me as being kind, giving, and compassionate in ways that transform lives.
Woah, right? That's big! But now I can see every choice I make as an opportunity to move closer or farther from that end goal of my life. Every time I fail at a habit is a moment to analyze whether it serves the ultimate goal, and if it does- *boom* -instant motivation to try again. It doesn't matter how many times I fail, how much time it takes, or even how little I accomplish. It matters how hard I tried. If I tried my best to get where I want to be upon my death, then there is no room for regrets and no worries about taking whatever path I can, need or want to along the way.
So let's keep trying again, ok? As many times as it takes, I'll keep starting over again as best as I can.
Usually I try to have three things to talk about in my random ramblings, but to be honest, the ones I described above were pretty deep and went on for much longer than one usually does. So my third subject is really just a filler to tell you there is no third subject. Marinate in the two that mattered, and try not to think too deeply about this third bit. It's fine. Everything is fine. ;)
I love you all, and wish that my words can be a light in the darkness for those that need it most. <3
Just an odd, awe-inspired, avocado advocate (not necessarily advocating avocados, though!) with a mission to put more joy into the world.